Memories'
by Damned91
Summary: What will the turtles read inside of their brother's diary? Leonardo's thoughts from his youth and not only. [Oneshot].


**(A/N) Disclaimer: I own nothing...**

**And before you read it -remember that the characters may be OOC**!

**''Memories''**

The bloody turtle made his way to the wall, sliding on the dirty floor. His vision was being obscured by the light sheen of blood that had fallen from a nasty gash on his forehead. He looked down onto the dirty floor an saw red fluid leaking from under his body.

Soon the light went off and he was surrounded only by darkness. He closed his eyes and soon he was fast asleep.

''We must find him. It's been two days since he's been gone and we don't even know where to search! '' Raphael yelled.

''Calm down...'' Donatello tried to say but Raphael interrupted him by shouting : ''CALM DOWN! CALM DOWN! How the fuck do you think I'd calm myself?! He's gone! We don't even know where he is and if we ever see him again!...''

''ENOUGH ''

Donatello and Raphael turned around to see their Master standing behind them.

But their master didn't finish his sentence because Mikey ran inside. '' I found it! Like you asked!'' he ran to his brother handing him a deep blue notebook. Leo's notebook.

''What's this?" Raph asked with confused face.

''Leo's diary. Once I saw him writing in it so I asked Mikey to find it''Donny explained. Still it seemed confusing to Raphael. Why would he want to read Leo's thoughts? Seeing this Don said

''Maybe there is something which will tell us where he is now ''

Don opened the notebook only too see that there weren't any dates. If they were here it would help more, but he couldn't complain.

So they began to read .

**/1**

Master Splinter wanted me to be the leader. I don't know if I will handle that responsibility, but I will try and do my best! If I have to be honest I don't know if I truly deserved to be the leader. I mean I'm doing my best on the training's and all but did I deserve it? Maybe Master Splinter made a mistake choosing me? What would happen if I will do something wrong and he would get disappointed?

But I can't deny it, especially from myself. Somewhere inside me I want to be the leader. I want to fight for others and help them when I will be needed.

I could tell that something wasn't right when I looked at my brother, Raphael. He seemed angry, but that's like he usually is towards me. I shouldn't think of it so much, it's probably nothing serious. Maybe he's just a little jealous of that he didn't became the leader instead? Once he told me that he really wanted to be one, so maybe that was it? I don't know, but one thing that I'm sure of is that I need to practice more. Being a leader is a huge responsibility. I must protect my brothers no matter what.

I will train even harder for them.

**/2**

The training was so easy for me. My brothers had problems with it so I thought I would help them. But they refused saying that they would handle everything on their own. So I left them. I decided to go to my room to medicate. Master Splinter always says that the medication is good after our training because it helps calm down ourselves and our spirits. So I always did it after the training ends.

After two hours I decided to read something. I always liked history books. When I finished it I went to see what they were doing I looked at the clock and it was late. I found out that Master Splinter was already asleep, like always at that hour and my brothers were no where in sight. I couldn't believe it! They left without telling me? Without permission? Master Splinter never lets them go alone. But what should I do then?

I couldn't ask Master Splinter because he put me in charge. I am their leader so it was my responsibility that they were gone. And I had to find them. Maybe If I didn't read then I would hear them when they were going out? Why I must always think of myself in the first place?!

I went out of the lair to the world above us. I had a feeling that I would find them there. I was lucky because it was dark outside. I had to spend a lot of a time reading then...

After some time of searching I finally found them. They were playing hide and seek in some park where they usually came to play.

For awhile I just stood there and observe how they were having fun. Sometimes I wish I could play with them. I wish I could laugh with them and sometimes I even wish I could cry with them. But I can't. I can't show my real emotions because I won't be a good leader. Emotions are weakens in the leadership.

But unfortunately it was getting even more late and I had to tell them to go home. When I called them they weren't too happy. I knew that they wanted to stay in that park, but I couldn't let them. What if something would happen to them? I would never forgive myself!

I said that we must go home. I must admit it I was a bit angry at them. Because they couldn't leave in the first place. I understand Mikey and Raph but Donny?

Raph told me that I wouldn't boss him around. I would never admit it but it hurt. Every time when we fight it hurts. I told him to hurry up as I went into the shadows. They probably thought I went home, but I was behind them ...watching.

''who the hell he thinks he is?!'' I heard Raphael ask s. I felt anger in his voice. Also his language wasn't very proper. I always tried to tell him to not curse but he didn't listen.

Mikey and Donny stayed silent. I guess they didn't want to get into a fight with him.

When they decided to go home they did it in silence. I observed them all the time. I always did it. Whenever I found them somewhere outside I always watched them. They are my family and I would never forgive myself if something bad happened to them.

When they entered lair someone was waiting for us. It was Master Splinter. He told them to go to their room after telling them how irresponsible they were. When I wanted to go to my room he told me to wait.

When my brothers were no where in sight he said '' you know that something bad could have happened and still you let them go '' . I still see it in his eyes. That disappointment.

I went to my room without saying a word. Why it was always me who did the wrong thing? Maybe I am a bad leader, I can't even stop them from going outside.

**/3**

Today something horrible happened. Mikey broke his ankle and it was all my fault. Mine and only mine. I wasn't there with him when he fell into that hole.

But I will start from the beginning...

After the morning training I stayed in dojo in order to train. But I can't stop think about that glare which Raphael sent me when I asked Master Splinter if I could stay and practice...He was often telling me that I wanted to show how good I was whilst they weren't even near my level. I just wanted to train, is that a bad thing? I must be strong what would I do if someone attacks us?

I trained the rest of the day. I was so into my training that I didn't hear when they asked our Master if they could go outside. When he gave them permission they went out, not even bothering to tell me about it.

I wonder why. Once I heard Raph saying that I was ruining every play and that he didn't want to be my brother. I always pretended it didn't bother me. But when your own brother doesn't want you to be his sibling what would you feel? Fear? Fear of him hating you? Yes, that's my fear...

Master Splinter told me that they left an hour ago and. . . I was worried. I knew that something bad was going to happen, so after asking if I could go I went out side to look after them. I wasn't surprise that I found them playing in the park again, but what surprised me was that the three of them were stocked in a big hole. Mikey was sitting and from what I seen he had tears in his eyes, and his leg looked rather strange.

Later I understood that he fell into that hole and Raph with Donny jumped there after him hearing a cry. They couldn't go out of there because with Mikey's leg they weren't able to help him. And the hole was pretty big though.

When I finally wanted to say something, I wanted them to know that I was there. But I went silent when Raph started to speak. '' And where is our GREAT leader when we actually need him?! He's probably training now to show how perfect he is and we are not!''

''Calm down Raph, we have to take care of Mikey first'' I heard my other brother saying.

''Yeah, I know but he's a leader only because he's elder that we are. I mean I could be better that he is. I can beat him in no time!'' Donny sighed and shook his head.

''And what you think Mikey? Do you prefer him to be the leader? ''

''He don't let us have any fun! Even he won't let me eat enough when I want! He is no fun to be around with! And I need action and OWW ''

'' Calm down Mikey you will hurt your leg jumping like that '' Donny stated. I saw how Raph was looking at Donny he wanted him to tell something about me. I just waited, not wanting to hear anything more.

'' I think Leo is a good leader. He's logical and he always is there for us when we need him. . .'' ''You are always by his side! You prefer him over me right? How I HATE that guy! Everything would be better if he was gone...''

At that sentence I went away. I didn't want to hear anything more. It hurts whenever I think about it. Am I that bad? I don't know. I didn't do anything to them. Maybe I did? But I don't want any of them to get hurt!

But I don't want them to hate me either. Maybe I will just stay out of their ways? That would be a good idea, they wouldn't meet me often so they won't feel bad or annoyed with my company. I will observe them from behind. Because I must watch over them.

I won't show them that I heard that conversation. I won't allows them to know, but I don't regret it. At least I know what they really think of me.

So it's another argument that I am a bad leader. The team must respect his leader. Mine hates me...

But what hurts the most is that even if Raph truly hates me. . .I don't hate him.

**4/**

Today when we had our morning training and I was paired with Raph to do hand in hand spar I saw all his hate towards me. We weren't ordered to use our weapons, but when I was winning he used his sais.

Master Splinter said that he wasn't fighting with honor and that he should look at me. I would never forgot his look. Everything was written in it. Every emotion that he was feeling. I am sure that if it wasn't Master Splinter that he would try to slice my throat with his weapon.

I'm feeling different, like it isn't my home, my family. I feel like intruder, who can't fit in no matter how he tries. With every day I am staying behind, slowly but I am. Some day they would forget they have a brother...

We are brothers but do they know something about me? Anything? Like what's my favorite meal, what I like to do in my free time except practicing, what's my favorite music? Do they know those things about me?

We are brothers and still I am so far from them. I wanted to play with Mikey today. In his video game. But I couldn't because I had to go on patrol to see if something was wrong. That was my duty as a leader.

Raphael often says that he should lead. But he doesn't know how lucky he actually is. Sure he spent half his life locked in his room because he done something bad. Master Splinter must punish him.

But his other half? He spent running, playing and laughing...He is free and he can do whatever he want. He often runs away at night and comes back in the morning. And I always am giving him a lecture which he finds boring from what I have seen. But what if something happened on one of his runs? I swear he is so reckless...

I wish I could live his life sometimes, he doesn't know what being trapped means. What being the eldest means , what being responsible means.

It's so late. And I must wake up by 4am that means I have only three hours of sleep. I must train before others will wake up. So I'm going to go to bed...

**5/**

Today is a Christmas day! I got a present! It was a cool, a doll which have my effigy. All my brothers got their owns. They were so happy about it. Mikey even made a tear shed he eye.

Donny and Mikey started to hug whilst Raph smiled at his doll. Master Splinter seemed really happy. And as it goes for me ...I put it aside and I waited for them to calm down. A leader cannot show his true emotions. Even if he wants to go and hug their brothers to death. He must stay emotionless.

Sometimes it's hard to pretend that but noone ever saw me like I really was.

Raph always said that I want to be perfect that I AM a perfect..well I won't write here that part about what exactly he said...but I am not. And I never said that I was. No ones perfect. There always are things that aren't. In my example there is a couple of things that won't make me perfect, things that I can't change no matter how hard I will try. The fighting. No matter how hard I will train there always be someone who is better that I.

I am not focusing on some tings like I should. And my family. I worry too much about their safety, but if something would happen to them I will never forgive myself! Never!

**6/**

Raph and I had a fight. He wasn't doing well on our training so I had to correct his mistakes but when I told him what he was doing wrong he went mad. Literally. He started to yell about how much he hated me.

And he told words that I would never forget _''go and die!'' _ I still hear this words in my head, they are repeating constantly without stopping.

I already know what he thinks of me so it shouldn't hurt. But why it is! I wish I know...

After he shout that worlds I became silent. I don't know why I wanted to tell him so much things. How reckless he is, how impulsive and how actually stupid he is. But I couldn't say a word.

Mikey and Donny didn't say anything either. So I turned around and left the dojo to go to my room but something stopped me right in front of my doors. I wanted to go out of there, to go outside, but I knew that Master Splinter didn't allow us to go anywhere without his permission and the weather was awful, it was raining for two days already and it doesn't seem to stop anytime soon.

I didn't realize how bad I felt when Raph didn't try to stop me. I know it's silly but I wish he would...

I made up my mind and I went outside. It wasn't raining...it was pouring! But that was only better because people stayed in their homes in days like that.

Until now I don't know how time had passed whilst I was walking in that rain. I did one thing that I regret now. One thing that warrior shouldn't do. The most and terrible mistake! I won't allow myself to do it again.

I won't show that weakens again. I must control my emotions.

But then I was glad it was raining because the rain drops mixed with the ones which came from my eyes. It was the first time when I let myself down, let control my emotions.

I felt like the sky was crying with me.

When I felt someone's hand on my shoulder I turned to see no other than our Sensei. He didn't look pleased. Without another word he went back to our house, I knew that I had to follow. When I entered the lair I found out that everyone were in their rooms. '' Your actions are disappointing Leonardo. I didn't suppose that you would go against my order. Go to your room.''

And that was the worst moment, I tried to apologize but he already left. The words 'I'm sorry' were left unheard.

**7/**

I had a strange dream today. I had blood on my hands. I don't know who it belonged to. My katanas were all covered in it. But when I think about it now it was probably my blood. . .

Then I was sitting in some room. It was so dark I couldn't see anything, but I felt the hot substance on my hands. When I heard footsteps I closed my eyes. Suddenly I heard the doors being unlocked and someone going inside . When I opened them to see who it was, I saw only pure light and some figure standing in it, It moved towards me and grabbed me by my arm, pulling me up. I was in so much pain that I couldn't breath property. I tried to see who this person was, by the way he held me I could tell it was male, but when I tried to focus on his face I saw nothing more than a fist which connected with my jaw. I hit the wall only to see a red sword which was slowly making his way to my throat...

And then I woke up. All cowered in sweat. I don't believe in dreams and this probably was just a nightmare nothing more. But I can't forget about that feeling which is telling me something bad is going to happen.

But I won't tell about it to anyone. I don't want them to think I'm afraid of some dreams. I'm the FARELESS leader like Raph is putting it so I can't be afraid. I can't show any fear and to do so I can't show any emotions. They think that I am perfect but I am not. But it doesn't mean I can't try to be. Someone must be there to show them how to act how to behave, and it's my role.

And that's how my life look. With every day I'm trying to be better, stronger. And only thing that I'm given in return is anger.

**8/**

That dream won't stop hunting me. But this time I saw more. A strange symbol. I can't really describe it, but it was red.

I think about it too much! I must go to dojo. I have to train.

**9/**

Today nothing happened except that Raphael was making fun of me in front my brothers. Donny seemed not caring, but Mikey was loudly laughing. I told him that I had better things to do than sit here and listen to his words. He told me I was a wuss because I didn't want to fight him. I just ignored him, not saying anything. He shouted after me calling me a coward. I again ignored him and slowly made my way to my room only to be stopped by a sai pointed to my throat. He wanted to fight I was sure of it. He was so determinated to do it that I couldn't tell him no. Probably if I did he still would fight with me.

But Master Splinter ordered us to not fight, I didn't want to break his rules. But what could I do? So we began to fight. I won't say that Raphael is a bad fighter. It's just his moves were too slow and he was so angry that he didn't know what he was doing. So it wasn't hard to win with him.

After Master Splinter come he told Mikey and Donny to go to their rooms. He told us to NOT fight again when he wasn't there. And that was all, but I knew he was disappointed in me. I could feel it!

**10/**

It's been years since I write in here! Lets just say that a lot happened in this time. The most important is that I and my brothers have new enemy. Shredder. He asked my to join him and his ninjas but I refused.

He said it was my big mistake and I would pay for it. He tried of course. That was his fault we must stay at Aprils house. April! I didn't mention her before but she's a good friend. She and Casey who is behaving like Raphael.

But because of Shredder April had to move with us to the Casey 's grandmother house. The foot ninjas attacked me when I was on my morning run. I fought them all, that was even easy but then there was more of them. All the time I fought with all my strength. But somewhere inside I knew that wasn't good, because I was alone. After defeating them all the Foot Tech Ninjas came. They could go invisible so it was difficult to fight with them especially when it was raining. The mistake that I made was I depended on my eyes. But after some time of useless fighting with them I used my sense of hearing which helped me to defeat them.

I thought that it was finally an end. I started to run in other direction when suddenly I felt someone's presence. It was Hun. He was a really hard opponent. I won't deny it. After I won the battle I felt tired and sleepy.

It was harder and harder to focus on things. But I knew that I couldn't lose with them so I didn't stop fighting. Like I said I won't deny that I wanted to run away. There were too much of them.

When I thought that I could go away The Foot ninjas came back, so I had to fight them all, not to mention Hun was ready for another fight as well.

But then they stood still like they were waiting from someone. When I looked above I saw some strange ninjas. There were four of them.

'' Who isn't with me is my enemy and my enemy dies''

I knew that voice too well to mistaken it with someone else's. It was Shredder. Then he ordered The Elite Guard to kill me.

They were the most difficult opponents that I had. After some time It was hard for me to even keep up with them.

I knew I had no chance, but I decided to fight until death reaches me! I don't know how I got out of there I wanted so badly to tell my brothers that Shredder was back! I was scared what he would hurt them.

They broke my katanas, then I lost all my hope. With destroying my swords they destroyed my will to life. My katanas meant to me so much...but the worse was that I let down my brothers and Splinter. They would think I'm weak and maybe they wouldn't tell me it but they may be disappointed. If I had to beat Shredder then they wouldn't have to fight, they wouldn't have to protect like Raph often said such a failure like me...

It was my mistake, a mistake as a leader. I am not a good leader. I didn't try enough, my training's weren't enough, my discipline wasn't enough. I didn't try hard enough! But I will from now on.

But back then at Casey's house I was totally lost. But then Raph helped me. He helped me to make my new katanas. I didn't tell him this but I was and I still am so thankful to him. But I can't tell him that. He would think that I'm weak. I can't let emotions to take over me...

I remember now! That dream which I had years ago. I saw that symbol in it...it was Shredder's...

**11/**

I'm feeling so strange. But I'm trying to not think about that.

I hate when Raph calls me ''the fearless leader''. He thinks that I'm not scared of anything? Every person have a weak point. It's a human emotion to be scared...but I'm not a human...

**12/ **

It's so strange. I dreamt about black raven who was sitting near some wall, a wall which had a symbol of Shredder's on it.

I don't know what it means but the raven means death, right? I'm not afraid of death. I'm ready for it. But what would happen with my brothers. Maybe they did hate me, but no matter what I must protect them, even of cost of my own life.

I have a bad feeling about Shredder. On my last run I could swear that someone was following me!

**13/ **

Today on our run I let Raph to be the leader. He had enough of 'mine orders and treating him like...''well I won't write it here. That wasn't my fault that he made mistakes whilst he ran. But I had enough of him as well.

I said that he will be the leader if he would lead us. He of course agreed. I must admit it he was pretty good at it. And the most important was that Mikey and Donny listened to him without complains. Not like when I was leading, Mikey always complained.

Then I was thinking about my leadership. If Raph would take my role what would I have? I spent all my life on training's and practicing my skills.

But then we heard a cry. Raph was the first one to act. I told him to stop because I was their leader and he told me I agreed about that he would be the leader. Of course I agreed but It was only for a run! After telling him that he said that I should shut up and wait for orders. So I did.

There in an alley was a woman and three men who wanted to rob her. No four, one was hiding behind the trash can, Raph was so impulsive he ordered us to attack. So he run towards them. I wanted him to stop, to look at that situation which was before us! I told Mikey and Donny to not go, but Mikey said he needed an action and Donny shrugged and went after them with an apologist look on his face. I watched how Raph and the others fought. Then from behind the fourth guy pointed with his gun on Raph's backs so I quickly pushed him out of the way. The bullet made his way to my right arm. It hurted like hell, but I didn't show it.

I can't show that I am in pain. Never!

Next they beat them whilst that woman ran away screaming for help.

After fight which we won, Donny looked at my arm and bandaged it. He said it was nothing serious and if I wanted some painkillers he would give me some but I refused.

I don't know why he's taking with him the first aid kit, but I was gratefully for that.

I told Raph that he would never be the leader because he put in danger his and his brothers life! What would happen if I wasn't there! He could be dead by now! I didn't even try to tell him that woman saw us!

But then he started to shout that I didn't want him to do anything, that I was scared he was better than me. Then he asked his brothers if he was right. Mikey looked like he didn't want to answer but Donny said ''If it wasn't Leo you would be dead! So you should at least thank him for saving your life''

But he didn't thank me. He said he would be better if I wasn't his brother...

I'm going to run now, but why I had a feeling that I won't come back? I guess Raph's wish would came true. At least he would be happy, it's not like he sees me someone more that a leader, in his eyes I'm not his brother only some worthless leader...

When Donny stopped reading his brother's thoughts he felt like crying. But at least they were sure where Leo was. If Leo's dreams were true he was somewhere in Shredder's place. If he knew about Leo's trouble maybe he would be willingly to help him? Maybe Leo wouldn't live with so much on his barks. Maybe ...maybe...and the thoughts went on.

'' Come on '' he finally said.

Mikey who was looking down quickly nodded and ran out of room. He didn't want to say anything. Now he felt like a little kid who done something really bad and was ashamed of his actions. He reminded himself of his complains towards his elder brother whenever he was near him. He often said something which seemed to upset Leo, but back then he didn't pay much attention. Now every word, every thought were brought back. Every moment which he shared with Leonardo was passing like picture in his head. He tried to not think about them but how much he tried to not, it was harder to block them all out.

If he knew that Leo was taking everything so seriously then maybe...maybe...

Donatello made his way to door where he stopped and looked behind only to see Raph sitting on the floor with his head I his hands.

''It's my fault...'' he began but was cut by his brother who said '' If it has to be someone's fault it's ours''

''But it was me who hated him not Mikey not you. It WAS ME?! And I made him think I hated him not Mikey and NOT YOU!''

'' But will it help with finding him? '' With that words Donatello left.

Raph stood up and thought _'' and now I am the bad one! Like always. Thank you Leo, Why when you aren't even here you are making me_ PISSED!'' The last word was loudly yelled.

'' DAMNIT!'' he shouted and held his hand which slowly became bruised after hitting the hard wall. But he had to do something, hit something...or someone.

But after some time somehow he calmed himself down and took out his sai when he looked at it he whispered '' That idiot! He knew something would happen and still...I will kill them all '' And with that he made his way to other brothers to go and find his leader...and brother.

**(A/N) I wrote this a couple of month ago.I guess I forgot about it . . .; **

**I don't know what made me to write this in the first place. . . but I hope you enjoyed it. Sorry for all my mistakes (I know it's a lot of them there), but English is my second language! **

**It would be nice if you will drop me a review! **


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